Mister Mummy
Mister Mummy
... and everything you wanted to know about Arnold and Jimmy the Chimp, but couldn't be arsed to ask!
Mister Mummy now available
The latest episode in the Fucked-up Bedtime Stories series, #8, Mister Mummy, is now available exclusively from Godless. As usual, a mere $0.50 gets you the ebook and audio narration file.
Mummy is away at the detox centre, and Daddy’s spare time is spent visiting her to offer moral support. Left all alone, Arnold is in danger of disappearing down the rabbit hole of dark internet videos until Jimmy resolves to teach him all about ritual slayings. They head to the red-light district to find a victim, but spot Daddy there. Why isn’t he visiting Mummy, who is the mysterious Beryl, and what’s going on in Big Bent Bertie’s Bum-Bum Club?
A Bit of Housekeeping
Are you new to the world of Arnold and Jimmy the Chimp?
Ten year old Arnold has a cuddly friend, Jimmy the Chimp. His toy ape is his companion, his fellow adventurer and his advisor. No one else can hear Jimmy when he talks, and there’s nothing about modern life the chimp doesn’t know. Escaping from the world of Mummy and Daddy, the pair set out to have a series of adventures, aided by the fact Jimmy the Chimp is a Satanic necromancer.
Let their enchanting escapades relax and amuse you as you slip into a slumber filled with the sweetest of sweet dreams.
If you are new to the world of Arnold and Jimmy the Chimp, you can dip into their first episode for free. It’s available from Godless, and you can download the ebook in your preferred format, as well as receiving the audio narration file.
How much longer will this drivel drag on for?
The first series is made up of 12 stories. We’re currently at number 8, so there are four more to go. Then what?
Well, I have already started planning a second series. I can’t really explain how the story will progress without giving the game away, so you’ll have to wait and see.
Where can I get the stories?
Godless is the only place you can buy the Fucked-up Bedtime Stories series, and that will remain the case. The rest of the first series, and the second series, will be priced at $0.50 and will include the ebook and audio narration file.
Godless is also a fantastic resource for indie and alternative literature, and features many books for free or priced at $0.50 or $0.99. All of my work is available on Godless, and even the novels are less than a dollar, because I love you all so much!
Will there be a paperback of the complete series?
There will be, once it is finished. However, there won’t be a collected ebook, because that wouldn’t be fair to the many people who have stumped up their fifty cents each month. The audio narration files will also not be available anywhere else.
What’s more, for the first two weeks the paperback will be priced very low (i.e. just Amazon’s print costs) and only be promoted via this newsletter, so you all get the chance to grab a copy on the cheap. Again, this is because a lot of people have handed over their fifty cents each month, and if they want a hard copy I want them to get one for as low a cost as possible. Then the price will rise, and the Johnny-come-latelys will have to pay more.
Can I read the Fucked-up Bedtime Stories in any order?
I was asked this recently by the lovely Crystal Cook. The answer is yes and no. The initial few probably could be tackled in any order, but as the core story develops, people might find themselves confused, and towards the end of Series 1 the stories very much dovetail together.
I would recommend starting at #1 and working your way through them.
Do the audio narrations use world-class voice actors?
Of course not. What do you want for fifty fucking cents? I read them, and many were recorded during radiotherapy, so I sound like a bag of frogs being passed through a mangle.
Will there be bonus material?
Yes, there will. The only way to access it is via this newsletter, so you’ll be the first to know when it’s available/
And Some Other Bollocks…
Ape or Monkey?
The delightful Lindsay Crook asked, ‘Why do the stories feature a monkey?’ The answer is they don’t, Lindsay. They feature an ape.
Lindsay then asked, ‘Aren’t apes and monkeys the same thing?’ The answer is no, they’re not.
Lindsay then asked, ‘What’s the difference between apes and monkeys?’ Well, Lindsay, there are a lot of differences. It’s a bit asking what’s the difference between a blue whale and a packet of Dairylea Cheese Triangles.
Apes don’t have tails, whereas most monkeys do, and apes tend to swing rather than walk. Apes are a different genus, and have very differing physical characteristics. They’re smarter, funnier, better at playing cards, and well equipped to play a whole range of musical instruments. However, some monkeys don’t have tails, and a few swing rather than walk. The easiest thing to do is learn the apes. There aren’t that many.
Great apes are Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Bonobos (basically a close relative of the chimpanzee which likes to fuck a lot), Orangutans and Humans. Lesser apes are Gibbons. There are a few others, like Lemurs, but they’re so far detached they are usually referred to as Lemurs!
Mrs Caffrey was once attacked by gibbons in Northern Thailand. I would have helped her, but I was too busy lying on the floor, laughing.
So, Lindsay, in short, when you make a mockery of apes by calling them monkeys, you’re abusing yourself, because you are an ape. So am I.
What’s in a name?
Another question from Lindsay (yes, she does ask an awful lot of fucking questions) concerned Jimmy’s real name. She said, ‘So, we all know Jimmy’s actual name is His Most Satanic Majesty, Thelonius XVIII, Defiler of Virgins and Consumer of Bananas, but when is the correct time to use it?’ The answer is always. Only those in the inner circle may address him as Jimmy. So, that’s Arnold, anyone he’s ever reanimated, and myself, because I get to bend the rules!
Talking of Reanimation…
Corina Morse, splatterpunk goddess and reviewer extraordinaire, asked, ‘How many times can Jimmy reanimate someone? Asking for a friend!’ Corrina has herself featured in the Fucked-up Bedtime Stories series, and was reanimated. The answer is simple: Jimmy can reanimate the dead as often as is needed. Once you become a part of his legions, he’ll probably call on you again and again. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a few of those thus far killed reappear before the curtain falls at the end of Series 1.
Jimmy’s Plan?
Reek Feel, the voice of Bizarro in the darkest mists of literary insanity, asked, ‘Did Jimmy plan it all from the start; a way to put his soul back?’ First off, there’s a bit of an assumption there, old son. Does Jimmy have a soul? He collects them, sure enough, but does he possess one of his own? Who knows? As for plans, Jimmy has a masterplan. He is the supreme controller, the engine driver, the lord of darkness. Nothing happens that isn’t part of his plan.
Okay, sometimes things get a bit fucked up and go off the tracks, but generally everything comes out the way he wants (or close enough to how he wants it)!
Is that it?
Yes, it is. Apart from saying those mentioned (Crystal Cook, Lindsay Crook, Corrina Morse and Reek Feel) will all receive a free copy of FUBS #9, available on 19 July via Godless.